Alcohol and Its Role in My Depression

As a recovered alcoholic, I suffered severe depression as a result of, and while I was drinking. Although it wasn't always that way, not for many years during which I drank socially. It wasn't until I began abusing alcohol that the remorse and guilt started creeping in, causing me to become depressed. Although, if I really look back over my history of not only drinking, but of how I handled emotions, its hard to say which came first.

Here's my theory.

I began drinking alcohol early in high school. Why not, it was fun and everyone was doing it. By the time I reached college I was pretty much drinking everyday. Was I an alcoholic then? Who knows, but I definitely started seeing negative consequences of my drinking. Although I would usually change my circumstances to better fit my lifestyle. Like quitting school and getting a job that didn't require me to show up until late in the afternoon.

As I began living a life that morally I knew was not right (i.e. drinking heavily) my self-esteem was being diminished. However, I really did not know that at the time. Some feel that alcoholics drink because they want to feel different, that they avoid feeling emotions. I believe that is true, in some degree, in my case. However, I was not aware of this. I was not aware of my inability to deal with emotions until years after I started recovering from alcoholism.

Since I had been drinking since early adulthood, in reality I never really learned how to deal with emotions in a healthy way. When I was sad, I would drink; when I was happy, I would drink; scared, drink; secure, drink. Later in life as real emotions, such as those encountered in relationships and careers, began to appear in my life, I had no idea how to deal with them in a healthy manner. The more I drank, the more I began to feel bad about myself and the way I was living.